Updates and such

Attempting to condense everything that has happened since Thanksgiving into a single entry simply isn’t possible.  Therefore, I hope to hit the highlights and will further expound upon each of them in subsequent posts.  Read on for the abridged version.

Back to red. And super short.

Suffice it to say I suffered a complete and total breakdown towards the end of November.  It shocks me to the core to think how quickly my life spiraled out of control.  Reeling from the loss of my mother– combined with my unwise decision to throw myself into work in order to avoid processing this shattering loss– I plummeted to a nadir I didn’t know existed.  “Rock bottom” doesn’t even come close.  Unable to properly function with the onslaught of grief and emotion, I turned to alcohol and methamphetamine as a coping mechanism.  Within a matter of weeks things were so unspeakably horrific…I credit divine intervention [primarily in the form of Allen] as the impetus that landed me in Crisis Services Unit (CSU) for detox.  Less than a week later I voluntarily went to 30-day inpatient facility that shall remain nameless.  Though it wasn’t the place CSU wanted me to go it was the only available option with open beds, so off I went.   Not even 48 hours into my stay, I escaped from the confines of a bizarre and counterproductive program walked through the wrought-iron gates into the frigid air of the outside world…..

Black Flag 🤟🏻🏴

….and kept walking down Poplar Avenue for a couple of miles until I reached Growlers and waltzed inside to the Black Flag concert.

Yes, you read that correctly.  My first stop post-treatment was a bar where I attended a raucous punk show.  No, I would not recommend that to most people.  Yet I can say with pride that I did not consume a drop of alcohol or partake in any mind-altering substances whatsoever.  Truth be told, I wasn’t even tempted.  Did the thought cross my mind?  Yeah.  But my existence with drugs & alcohol was such miserable chaos, why would I ever choose to go back there?  This was the first concert either of us has been to in over a decade where we hadn’t imbibed.  And it was effing awesome!  Black Flag put on one hell of a show.  Being clearheaded in the mosh pit sent me right back to the concert glory days of high school.  Even the opening band, The Linecutters, was fantastic.  Perfect night.

[[ Lest I sound completely careless, let me assure you that I went to a meeting within 24 hours of leaving the facility.  I also came equipped with a game plan that involved contacting Alliance (more on them later) as soon as possible to meet with my mental health team.  ]]

Orange you glad I earned my first colored key tag? 🍊

The fellowships of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous (NA) play an integral part of my recovery.  It’s not just about attending meetings or working steps– it’s about community.  Alcoholism and addiction are diseases of isolation.  Combating them with an entire tribe is the ultimate middle finger.  One of the first things I did was attend my home group, the AA meeting of Early Birds.  Currently I have 52 days clean & sober and it’s the most blissful feeling of liberation I’ve ever experienced.

Another key component to my recovery involves the aforementioned Alliance.  Because of them I have regular meetings with my case manager, therapist, doctor, and– most importantly– EOP multiple times a week.  I don’t quite know how to explain the impact EOP has had on me.  It’s not a 12-step meeting nor is it technically considered group therapy, though it is very much therapeutic.  In the six or so weeks I’ve been attending I have found a family….despite the fact that I barely know these people I know them and they understand me in a judgement-free zone.  I will move mountains [spending up to four hours a day for transit-related time] to get to Group and am disappointed when I miss it.  There are four different facilitators that rotate for varying days and I can truly say I get something special from each and every one of them.  They are in recovery too and have earned their chair in that room.  You can tell it is not ‘just a job’ for these folks and it shows in everything they say and do.

I saved the clincher for last:  Vivitrol.  THIS SHOT GAVE ME MY LIFE BACK AND IS NOTHING SHORT OF A MIRACULOUS GAME CHANGER.  I don’t bust out the all-caps often so that should show you just how serious I am about this monthly injection.  It blocks the effects of alcohol and opiates.  Why bother if you don’t get the feel good sensation?  I have not personally tested this blockage but others have told me it is very effective.  Although I was skeptical when the good doctor told me it would reduce cravings, I was astounded to find in my case it Completely.  Eliminated.  Cravings.  for ALL drugs & alcohol.  What?!?!  Initially I even tried to ‘override’ the shot by reminiscing about fun times I was using and trying to imagine the taste of a cold beer on my tongue.  It’s like my brain wouldn’t even go there.  I don’t know how to describe it.  I don’t obsess over substances.  I’m not white-knuckling it.  I do not feel deprived.  While I don’t deliberately put myself in tempting environments, I’ve encountered a few situations that would have probably derailed my progress if I did not have the fortification of the wonder shot.  Vivitrol, I cannot sing your praises enough…and if any executives are reading this I would love to be a paid spokesperson.  😉

Christmas Day 2019 🎄

As much as I adore every second I spend with my children, I find myself inundated with guilt whenever I am around them.  They have each suffered in their own way as a direct result of my actions.  I want more than anything to strengthen my respective relationships with Adam and Tatum and to give them more time together as siblings without having an adult hovering.  It will take time, effort, and patience– but with baby steps I will move in the right direction– and ultimately the goal of living together as a family will be fulfilled.  

Part of the journey to said goal involves gainful employment and the income it produces.  Last month I started working mornings [20 hours a week, Monday – Thursday] at Tropical Smoothie Cafe.  I must say I enjoy it more than I thought I would.  It also gives me a newfound respect for people in the food service industry that are not servers.  I know from the experience of my waitress/waiter friends that they work their tails off and deserve adequate compensation with tips.  The same goes for cooks in a traditional restaurant setting.  However, I never realized just how much effort goes into preparing items in a fast food-type environment while simultaneously working a cash register with a seemingly never-ending stream of people during the breakfast and lunch rushes.  Kudos to you, smoothie and sandwich slingers of the world.  

Sarah + Sloane = S Squared!

Another positive byproduct of my recovery involves rekindling relationships.  Especially those with other people in recovery from whom I drifted while I was ‘out there.’  Sarah is one such friendship.  God, did I miss her!  We’ve known each other for over a decade– including a time many moons ago where we were both behaving badly– and it’s amazing that we have once again crossed paths at this juncture in our lives.  Now I can say that we have yet another thing in common:  our NA home group, Cordova Hope.  I am grateful that she helped me get back into this particular fellowship.

Notice Freya trying to get in on the action. 🐶

Speaking of relationships, my romantic one is stronger than ever.  How blessed I am that Allen and I weathered the tumultuous storm and grew exponentially because of it.  We are both clean & sober.  While this isn’t the only instance we have both abstained from alcohol & drugs during the same period, it is the first time we have been fully committed to sobriety.  My recovery takes a different form than his…as it should because it is unique for each individual.  Whichever road we take to get there doesn’t matter as the destination is the same.  I appreciate wholeheartedly his support as I do what I need to do in order not to pick up that first drink/drug.  His support means the world to me and it brings me such joy to do life with him the right way.  I love you, Baberz.  

I miss you so. 💔

Denial surrounding the death of my mother finally passed.  I know that she’s not coming back and that hurts like hell.  I will spend every day for the rest of my life wishing that I could call or text her.  Strangely enough it’s not even the major issues or intense emotions that make me long for her companionship.  It’s the little things.  Hearing a funny news story or a joke only we would understand.  Getting her input on how to teach a certain lesson.  Wanting to vent about this or that.

It’s important for me to realize that my fiercest ally and closest confidante hasn’t left me….her soul just changed forms to become my Guardian Angel.  Now she’s the head of my celestial team that gives me guidance, protection, and wisdom.  I would do damn near anything for her to be physically present but she is still here with me.  The one dream I have had about her soothed my soul.  Universe, could I please have some more of those?

Teaching is my passion. 👩🏻‍🏫

Because of my abrupt departure from polite society, VIPKid revoked my contract.  I like to think that if I explained the situation they would have been sympathetic, but I did not beg and grovel for a second chance.  VIPKid is a fantastic company and they were very good to me.  My decision not to appeal the action or pursue another contract has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me wanting a clean break and a fresh start.

Teaching fulfills me immensely.  Of all the roles I juggle, Teacher Sloane ranks at the top of the list.  It is with great pleasure to announce that I have signed a contract with Varsity Tutors and have my first student Monday!  I won’t squander my second chance.  Who doesn’t love a good comeback story?

In other employment news, I also accepted an offer from the Census Bureau.  I get a government badge and everything!  It pays very well but will only employ me for a period of eight weeks [and training].

Fingers crossed that a second tutoring opportunity, an ESL company, offers me a position.  I realize that all of these temporary and part-time opportunities add up to a very full schedule.  A full schedule increases my risk of burning the candle at both ends– which leads to burnout, often with disastrous consequences.  Rest assured I will not allow myself to take on more than I can carry and have the proper tools and support system to deal with a busy life.  

I want to make people smile and lift them up whenever possible.  At the risk of sounding like a pageant queen cliché, there is far too much negativity in this world.  I aim to be a little slice of sunshine.  🌞

None of this would be possible without recovery.  It is a gift– a miracle– to which I owe my life.  Though it took me almost 35 years I have finally become clean & sober, confident in my authentic self, and at peace.

 

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane